1. The city of Chicago offers a child the ability to discern, from a distance of at least 100 meters, the difference between a dormant flaming hot Cheetos bag and a hot Doritos bag.
2. The city of Chicago allows parents to consume unlimited amounts of alcohol while enjoying an outdoor show at Millennium Park while their children run free, kept safe by a roving armada of Police Academy drop-outs empowered with Segways.
3. The city of Chicago teaches a child that all people aren't the same, nor participate in after school athletics, nor have manicured front lawns, nor have perfectly straight teeth, and that's ok. Cause that's how the real world operates.
4. The city of Chicago ensures that a child has to figure out his own way to get to school otherwise he may be forced to ask his mommy for help when he is a co-dependent 28 year old afraid to deal with life and the difficult decision of which new SUV to lease.
5. The city of Chicago teaches a little one to value space, providing homeowners and home renters with just enough yard space to have a catch or chase the dog, but not enough to make you complicit in wasting the nation's water supply to feed an unused expanse of neatly cut machismo.
6. The city of Chicago enables the developing mind to discover, in a matter of a few walkable blocks, that all people are DEFINITELY not the same, and that's ok.
7. The city of Chicago promises to create unceasing anxiety in parents over where their children will attend school only to have CPS graduates do just as well (if not better based on all studied indicators) as their socio-economic equals in the suburban hinterlands.
8. The city of Chicago teaches children, through their parents, that if they don't, or can't, read signs, they are going to curse a lot, use the lords name in vain, and pay a financial penalty from their piggy bank for doing so.
9. The city of Chicago gives suburban raised parents a second chance to provide their children with the diversified realistic exciting exposure that was denied to their incredibly boring subdivision dwelling classmates as recently reminded at their high school reunion.
10. The city of Chicago guarantees that all children will know the name of their mayor, and emblazon it with pride on all their toys, something a suburban child can't even begin to fathom.