No it cannot be used against you. In assessing your options, lenders look for demonstrated hardship before they will consider a modification. What they are trying to do is look at the financial picture of the entire household regardless of who is on the mortgage. If a bank is going to take money out of their pockets they want to make sure you're not pulling a fast one on them. For example, if between the two of you there is enough income to support all your debts including the mortgage then good luck getting them to reduce anything. Also, if you've got $50k in a retirement account they might want you to share some of the burden. At the end of the day the banks goal is always to make money and they are focusing on helping the worst hardship cases first because they lose a lot more money if the home gets foreclosed on. Bottom line, if you want to save your home then cooperate with the lender. If you don't want to cooperate then let it go and start looking for a new place.