How to Get Your Home Ready to Sell

Yep, you've heard all of the standard tips. Change broken bulbs, paint front door, no trash in pail, blah, blah, blah. All good ideas but NOT the elephant in the room.  I have discovered several non-obvious things that many homeowners miss.  Well, actually they ARE obvious. Your agent has probably told you, but as we all know, your agent is merely part of an elaborate extortion/ponzie scheme designed to keep the many thousands of people with adult ADHD and various other forms of mental illness employed.  As such you have probably chosen to ignore their advice.

I am here to hammer it home.

Here are THREE BASIC tips that will dramatically increase your chances of selling your home. They might even increase your bottom line, without spending a dime!

Tip 1. Get Lost. Vamoosky. Begone.  This means you Mr. Homeowner or Mr. Tenant.  The buyers want to make fun of your house. They want to look in your closets.  They want to discuss the home's potential while they are there.  This is not bad. It means he has an opiinion, and might be trying to make a case for his offer.  If you are there 9 times out of 10 they will say "You have a lovely home..." and leave. This is because generally people are too nice to say things like "What in the name of Steve made you stick on a toadstool-themed ceiling border??" and "What's with the Pee-Wee Herman furniture?"  It doesn't mean they don't like you or your house.  Well, ok, it might mean that, but isn't it better not to wonder why you are getting no offers when clearly everyone thinks your home is lovely? Your Realtor's job is to get HONEST feedback.  He/She will deliver this to you in the method they have best chosen to create the desired result.  For instance, "The other agent said they didn't like the busy road/thought it needed too much work/thought your decorator was the Marquis De Sade.  I cannot stress this enough - GET LOST!

P.S. - This also includes Grandma/Grandpa (urine and dementia are NOT sexy), any unemployed relatives or those that are "temporarily living in your basement) (most people feel that "loserdom" is contagious) (This can also be a handy excuse to get them to go look for a job) and Spot (Not everyone is a dog person. Even if they are, there are levels...I have relatives who actually carry baby wipes and clean the dog's bum after his business because the idea that the Lord did not include a handy flap over the offending body part is considered an evolutionary faux-pas). Oh - and do NOT, I repeat - DO NOT - have the angelically cute youngsters give the tour either.  I once had a five-year-old tell a buyer "My daddy said you wouldn't see the hole he burned in the rug until we move."

Tip 2. You have too much stuff and half of it is crap. Maybe more than half. Don't use your own judgment, 'cause the same judgment led you to accumulate this crap in the first place.  Rely on your Realtor.  Rest assured that when he or she tells you that "The counters are a bit cluttered" they mean "If you don't get rid of the old appliance museum you will be living here until YOU become an exhibit." Also - you might think that the refrigerator art and Wall-O-Family-Photos are nice, homey touches, but mostly they remind people of painful experiences in their own lives (i.e. Wedding Photo: "I looked happy in mine too, until the b%^#tard bought a Harley and left me for his secretary..." - You get the idea. Bottom line: There should be no sign that anyone has performed any human function in the home.

Tip 3. If you are not getting offers and and there does not appear to be a good reason it is because you are in denial.  THERE IS A GOOD REASON.  Nope, not the economy. We've always had an economy of some sort. There is only one reason that a reasonably well-marketed home does not sell.  Note that I said "reasonably well-marketed".  Your Realtor does not have to take out a prime-time television ad, a page in the NY Times, hire a celebrity spokesperson and drop leaflets from a crop duster. The Internet (Lots), some print, calling in market area, open houses, word-of-mouth and some mailings will do nicely if you are PRICED correctly. Here is some homework if you do not believe your Realtor when they tell you to either put on a new roof (or paint, or update) or reduce the price: Take several pictures of the roof (or paint or update).  Go to the Realtor's office. Do two things. 1) Sit there all day and whenever a Realtor or Buyer walks through the door whip out the pictures and  ask "Would you pay $494,900 for a house with this roof (this paint, this kitchen, these baths?)?" Jot down the answers.  If they say "No", ask "How much would you pay?"  If they answer this question immediately whip out a binder and a pen (old trick, but effective).  2) Have your Realtor pull up a list of recent comp sales and those that have gone pending.  Drive over and look at the roofs (paint, updates). Look at your photos. Look at the comp roof (paint, updates). Look back at your photo. Repeat until convinced. Sigh. Look one last time. Sigh again.  Call roofer (painter, contractor). (Easier still - call your Realtor and tell her/him to Lower the Price to match what you have to offer).

Now I know that some of you are saying "Sure Janine, you'd like that wouldn't you? You wouldn't have to do a darn thing then, just sit back and rake in your nice, big, fat unearned commission."  If this were possible I'd be doing it after all this time.  However, realize that it is 8:55 p.m., I'm still at the office and have no immediate plans to leave and you are probably home with your 2nd or 3rd Margarita, Tonic or Cup-O-Tea.  I've rifled through the office fridge and found a wrinkled apple, a packet of duck sauce and an old jar of Skippy's Extra Crunchy, date-of-birth unknown, and made a dinner out of it so that I could answer buyer and seller questions after a day that began at 5:00 a.m.  And if that doesn't convince you that being a Realtor is not as easy as you think, I invite you to stop by my office tomorrow and hear my seller's respond to this blog entry.  It won't be pretty. But it will be pretty fun. Please bring food though.

Well, that's enough for today. I've ranted myself out for now.  There's more, but it will have to wait. I have clients that need a remedial talking-to. Bye for now! - Janine